Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Tele-Sales Tales

       I don’t like companies who get hold of my mobile number and then try and sell me something I don’t want, or pretend they know what I need or want.  My family know the routine – I might listen for a second or two, string them along for a good few minutes, and then tell them bluntly that they are frauds and liars!  Take the call I had a little while ago….

     “Hello, my name is So-And-So from Mumble Company.  I’d like to talk to you about the accident you had last year. We can get compensation for you.”

     “Oh, really?!” I ask incredulously, since I didn’t have an accident last year, or this year or any other year!

     “Yes, ma’am,” they’re always polite and calm, they obviously have a good anger management consultant.

     “Go on.”  Might as well hear what they think they know!

     “You had an accident in DooDah Road last year and we can arrange a sum in compensation for you.”

     That’s a bit scary, since I now know they have my mobile number and they know which road I live in.

    “Can you tell me where you got this information?” I ask politely, being the perfectly-within-her-rights polite customer – or that’s how it’s meant to come across.  The answer is mumbled and vague and the next statement on their list is proffered, something about another car which smashed into the back of my car.  Since I personally don’t own a car and haven’t driven the family car for over a year, I think I’m entitled to know what further information they think they have!

    “I’m sorry,” say I, apologetically and sounding as blonde as I can, “Can you just remind me what happened; it was a while ago and you know, one does tend to forget or block out bad experiences, plus it seems I may have developed a little amnesia as a result of the accident.” Ha-ha! Amnesia!  But this is said with all genuineness trying to prise out how this Mumble Company has come to the fantastical conclusion that I’ve had an accident!

    “I’m sorry ma’am, we are not given all the information, that is protected by Data Protection laws.”  Now that’s a laugh! And then I’m in for the kill!

   “Sorry, what was your name again?” I at least start politely. “So-And-So, I think you should know that I have never had an accident. The information you have is totally false. Maybe you are aware of this and you know that the company you work for is fraudulent and deceitful, which of course makes you fraudulent and deceitful.  But maybe you aren’t aware, so I am now enlightening you. Your company is lying to me, to other so called clients and maybe even to you. If you are aware of this, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you aren’t aware, you should now feel ashamed and get out and get a real job.  Goodbye.”  I wait a few seconds for the anger-management polite response of “I’m sorry, ma’am, thank you for your time,” before ending the call.

     Honestly do these people think we’re all so stupid? Maybe some are that stupid, but sometimes it’s the So-And-So who is really stupid!  Five minutes later my phone rings again.

     “Hello, my name is So-And-So from Mumble Company, I’d like to talk to you about the accident you had last year. We can get compensation for you.”

     For a couple of seconds I’m dumbstruck. If he was calling to apologise, I’m sure I wouldn’t have got the entire introductory sentence.

    “So-And-So, you spoke to me a couple of minutes ago! You know, the woman who ranted and raved and called you deceitful and a liar!” This time he put the phone down halfway through my rant!!

    Who would ever want to work in a tele-sales environment with invisible clients like me?!!! 

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